I really have no idea what I want out of life.

I guess we should start by saying maybe this is the best place for me to write about what I’m going through without the social anxiety of major platforms or to be called privileged or have my friends and peers completely judge me for the way I have been living my life the last 4 years.

I took my own life away on June 2021 by falling head over heels for a “The Houdini of all Narcissists”

I had never been in a serious relationship up until then; I was always my own person, lived alone, cooked alone, worked alone….romanticised alone as the other person walked away with their hands clean and my heart broken with myself only to pick up the pieces.

My family was in a place nor here and I was a magician of hiding my occupation.

They always begged me to come back home to sleep over the night but I regretfully declined or ignored

Every time I came home when I had the chance; I felt like every lie that came out of my mouth was doing no service to our relationship and what is the point of seeing my family when I am one big myth?

I thought the best way to manage the lie was covering my occupation with education so I started to go to school…..this became more important in our conversations rather than “what are you doing for work now?”

Which meant my relationship with my Bosnian-Muslim Refugee Parents was on the mend.

Houdini was another great distraction to the equation of the absolute goal of making sure my parents are happy and proud of me always.

Houdini and I crossed paths during lockdown; it was absolutely butterflies and shooting stars for the first 6-8 months.

To be continued…